Ken the Rooster, was a bastard.
When I first moved in with my boyfriend, I was charmed by the chickies that live on his land. Ken would follow me around the yard, and I was delighted because I thought he liked me. My boyfriend, Mike, told me I was misreading his intentions. Ken was looking for my weakness.
I didn’t believe him. I am all love and light, and something so beautiful as Ken wouldn’t hurt a being of light, right? Ha! As soon as my back was turned (literally), he attacked me.
It wasn’t so much that he hurt me is that he surprised me. I was marked by his spurs, but no real damage to my body was done. Then he did it again. From that moment on, Ken owned me. I wouldn’t go out in the yard without Mike by my side.
I looked at the spiritual meaning to see if I could get a deeper understanding of why this would happen to me. Ken became the embodiment of my fears. He could feel me coming as soon as I opened the door. I didn’t realize what an emotional projector I was until Ken entered my life. Animals sense fear. I would project my fears onto Ken even before I left the house. No matter how quietly I would open the door, he could feel me.
I began to experiment. I started to draw in my energy instead of project it out. When I did that, I noticed a difference in Ken’s behavior towards me. He wouldn’t even acknowledge me when I did this.
I’d like to say understanding this helped me master my fear of Ken. It didn’t. I was still terrified of him and trapped myself in the house because of it.
This morning, I was waiting for the telltale cock-a-doodle-doo of his morning song. It wasn’t there. I knew immediately that he was gone. I walked around the yard to look for evidence of his passing. I saw the blood and the feathers that were left behind.
I would like to say that I grieve for him. I grieve for myself instead. I grieve the loss of Spring as it came to life on this beautiful land that I live on. I regret that I am relieved that he is gone. Ken was beautiful. I loved him, and I loathed him. That’s the truth of it. Humans are complex. I was taught to believe that we can only hold love or fear in us at the same time. Never both. I disagree. I loved Ken. He was beautiful. His presence was comforting. And, I was so afraid of him that I wouldn’t leave the safety of the house when I was alone at home.
I am not sure if we ever transcend our duality. Love/fear. Black/white. Up/down. Maybe it’s as simple as accepting ourselves exactly as we are with all our complexities. I can be both love and fear. The problems arise when I allow fear to rule me and I become trapped in the house of my life. Ken will be teaching me long after his bones turn to dust. Thank you, Ken. I am sorry.