Last week my boyfriend of 18 months and I broke up. 18 months may not seem like a long time to some but it is to me. Every day since has revealed a new layer of grief. I even looked it up to see if what I was experiencing was normal. It is.
This morning I needed to do something with all this pain. So, I got out my paints and . . . well, you can see. I used a pallet brush for the first time. It helped describe my feelings better. I didn’t want dainty feathered brush stokes. Grief is thick, cloying and layered. You can see the red and the orange that represent the anger of grief. The dark colors underneath hint at depression. The yellow could be the stage of denial or maybe the light at the end of it all. The unpainted whites at the side of the canvas show me that this journey of grief isn’t finished yet.
I feel better after painting this and writing this post. Know that I am really o.k. I have to feel all of it to integrate it. I write so revealingly so as to not hide myself away as I am want to do. I can no longer bypass my feelings as I have in the past. That could be why this breakup seems especially hard. I could very well be grieving all the break ups I have ever had . . .