It’s been a rough week. I’m back visiting and working in the Twin Cities where I have lived much of the past 35 years. When I am in Ashland, where I currently live, I can pretty well stay focused on the here and now. But when I come back to the place where so much has happened in my life grief is triggered.
During a recent yoga & soul art workshop Guidance came through my painting and said loud and clear that the grief I have been holding so dear is really fear. It took me a couple of days to understand that on more than an intellectual level. I really heard the message and wanted to honor the wisdom within so I made a commitment to let my grief go. I ended up with a migraine for two days following that decision. I had no idea that the grief I had been carrying was so toxic.
The more I let go the more I realize that my grief is keeping me connected to a relationship that is long gone. Laying in wait for me under all that grief was a deep loneliness. Now that I am face to face with that loneliness the trick is to not run. In the past I would distract myself with social media or binge watching my favorite shows or my particular favorite, eating my self into oblivion.
What I’ve never done before is look loneliness straight in the eye and ask for its wisdom. I am afraid it will consume me if I stand and face it. Yet, running is no longer an option. I don’t have the strength any more to avoid what is coming. If I had faith in God this probably wouldn’t frighten me so. But my faith died many years ago. What I do believe in is Nature and its infinite beauty. It’s this Force that I call on now as my trial awaits me.
I feel like Katniss Everdeen in the Hunger Games with her bow and arrows strapped to her back waiting to jump into the fray. . . I will survive this.