I have been trying all my life. For as long as I can remember I have been trying. Trying to be good enough. Trying to make enough money. Trying to be more evolved. Trying, trying, trying! The problem with trying is that it doesn’t get us anywhere. Trying begets more trying which begets more trying. You get the idea. Yoda was right when he said, “Do or do not. There is no try!”
What started this train of thought was my blog post about Grace. In that post, I channeled a message from the Divine. The post talks about resting in the arms of the Divine and allowing the Divine to take over for awhile. The thought of that made me weep. That is when I realized I am trying so hard all the time. I rarely give the Divine a chance to hold me up. All my life I have wanted someone to take care of me so I could rest for awhile. The problem with that is I was asking that of the men in my life. What an enormous burden that must have been. I thinks its time to let go and rest in the arms of the Divine today. I wonder what will happen when I do. . .
One day, many years ago, a young man called me up to schedule a healing session. I was pretty new to the business and didn’t have any criteria for who I would and wouldn’t take as a client.
I let the man up into the room I used for sessions and I began to set sacred space. What happens during these initial few moments is I open myself up energetically and psychically to the person I am assisting. This is a very vulnerable time as all my defenses are down so I can “hear” the messages that are coming through from Spirit. This is usually done with eyes closed but this time I peeked to check in to see how my client was doing. I noticed his eyes were closed and he had his hand in his lap and he was gently thrusting his pelvis into his hand. I doubted what I was seeing so I asked him if he was all right and he said yes. I continued on with my invocation and started to bring him through a guided visualization. I peeked at him again and noticed that now he had a bulge in his pants and he was obviously rubbing himself. I told him he had to leave and to pay me for my time. Of course, he said he left his wallet in his car and I never saw the likes of him again.
For days after I felt as if I had been raped both energetically and financially. I was so angry at my Spirit Guide for not warning me. I couldn’t understand how someone could take advantage in that way. I rarely take men as clients as a result of this experience.
I resisted telling this story. I didn’t want to be just another of the many. And, would it really matter in the end? Then I realized there are many of us who serve as healers and empaths of the world and what we feel energically can scar us just as much as if we were physically assaulted. So, with great sadness today I say #metoo. This sadness isn’t for me. This sadness is for all the women who have to be on guard at work or simply walking down the street. We can not be our authentic selves and live behind the walls we have to erect to survive our daily experience. When will we be able to say #NotMe?
During my walk around the neighborhood today I saw this squirrel eating a nut while sitting atop a Buddha statue in the neighbor’s yard. Squirrel invites us to “squirrel away” or prepare our resources for the coming winter. In this case, I believe squirrel is saying the resources to gather are spiritual in nature.
I also sense squirrel is saying to look at what I am eating. Does my current diet support my body for the upcoming change to cooler temperatures?
I also feel squirrel sitting atop the Buddha’s head is asking me where are my thoughts these days? Are they Buddha like? Not so much these past few days.
Or, maybe, it’s just a squirrel atop a statue eating a nut. 😉
I’ve been looking at my shadow lately. Becoming aware of where and how she reveals herself. . . and when. Usually, she makes her self known when I’m in fear. When I slip out of the present moment and into the future or the past.
She shows herself in my sharpness of tone or an unguarded look. She comforts herself with chocolate and potato chips when she’s bored and lonely.
She is not separate from my Self, the Self I see as conscious and aware. Yet, she can surprise me with her responses at a moments notice.
As long as I see her as part of myself I can learn from her. When I deny her or try to hide her darkness can over take me and I can forget about my light. The key for me is recognizing when I’m in fear and then breathing deeply. That way I can take the time to hear her voice instead of reacting negatively. I believe this will take practice and that in time I can integrate my shadow and instead of dancing separately we can come together as one.
Find out more about Della and her healing services here.
Bat came to me again last night reminding me to prepare for some significant changes. I have no idea what those changes are or when they are going to occur. I awoke this morning feeling as if I am neither moving forward nor going in any discernible direction at all but still knowing that change was upon me. I actually said to myself that I feel as if my life is void of course right now.
When the moon is void of course in astrology it means that it makes no more major aspects to other planets before it leaves a sign. The moon usually travels through a sign every 2.5 days. When the moon is void it feels as if nothing is moving in our lives. There are no other energies around the moon to influence it. Things are quiet. As I write this the Moon is void of course. I had no idea until I looked it up. If you are like me and feel things on an energetic level it can almost feel depressing or even hopeless when this void occurs.
It is easy to spiral down into our shadow and think that something inside us is very wrong. It’s important to be still and breathe during these times. That is what Guidance recommended to me today during my yoga practice. And, of course, to write this. . .
“Bees have to move very fast to stay still.” ~David Foster Wallace~
Stillness reveals the secrets of eternity” ~Lao Tzu~
“Space and silence are two aspects of the same thing. The same no-thing. They are externalization of inner space and inner silence, which is stillness: the infinitely creative womb of all existence.” ~Ekhart Tolle~
“Being still does not mean don’t move. It means move in peace.” ~E’yen Gardner~
I was awakened in the middle of the night by a chittering/scraping sound. The noise was much like a squirrel or a mouse running through the walls. In my mind, I decided that is what it was and fell back to sleep. Almost immediately I heard the sound again and opened my eyes to see a bat flying around my head. Of course, I screamed and scrambled out of the covers and down the stairs and out the door quicker than I can possibly move on any normal given day. I decided that I urgently had to pee and went down to the second floor to use the bathroom.
When I climbed back up the stairs with my shoulders hunched and my head bowed I was wondering how to deal with this all by myself. No one else was at home to share in the horror that was a bat flying around the room with me. In my haste to escape the same place that the bat was inhabiting I had brilliantly left the door open. When I got back to my room I checked every nook and cranny to see where the bat was. It was not in my room! I looked out the window of the door to my room and saw it flying around in the main part of the attic.
Since it escaped my room, I made the logical decision of closing my door and hoping to heaven it would find its own way out.
Back up in my loft where my bed is I decided to try to go back to sleep. Good luck with that when your eyes are wide open like a cartoon character and all you can do is think about how the bat got into your space in the first place and were there more coming any second and what is that sound anyway?
Since I still had all sorts of adrenaline running through my body I decided to look into the spiritual meaning of Bat. What message had it brought me to reflect on? I had recently made a public statement on social media that am willing to be willing to let go of any and all fear that is hindering me from being the highest version of myself that I can possibly be. I knew that it was quite possible that by making this public declaration that fear would come up to challenge my commitment to that statement. I had no idea it would be a deep primal fear that would come to look me in the eye and say are you really sure you want to let go of me?
During this time of wide-eyed contemplation the phrase “bats in the belfry” kept coming to me. Was the bat telling me that I am losing my marbles? Since it was only one bat does that mean I am losing only one marble? I think the meaning is more likely that I am too much in my head and not enough in the present moment.
The shamanic meaning of Bat correlates to change and initiation. Bat’s use echolocation to navigate their surroundings. Will my powers of perception become heightened in the coming months? Will I be able to hear Guidance in a new way? As I write this in the light of the new day I am excited by bats gift to me. What new things are headed towards me? I feel Bat is telling me that I will have the tools to navigate what ever comes my way.
To find out more about Della and her spiritual coaching click here.
It’s been a rough week. I’m back visiting and working in the Twin Cities where I have lived much of the past 35 years. When I am in Ashland, where I currently live, I can pretty well stay focused on the here and now. But when I come back to the place where so much has happened in my life grief is triggered.
During a recent yoga & soul art workshop Guidance came through my painting and said loud and clear that the grief I have been holding so dear is really fear. It took me a couple of days to understand that on more than an intellectual level. I really heard the message and wanted to honor the wisdom within so I made a commitment to let my grief go. I ended up with a migraine for two days following that decision. I had no idea that the grief I had been carrying was so toxic.
The more I let go the more I realize that my grief is keeping me connected to a relationship that is long gone. Laying in wait for me under all that grief was a deep loneliness. Now that I am face to face with that loneliness the trick is to not run. In the past I would distract myself with social media or binge watching my favorite shows or my particular favorite, eating my self into oblivion.
What I’ve never done before is look loneliness straight in the eye and ask for its wisdom. I am afraid it will consume me if I stand and face it. Yet, running is no longer an option. I don’t have the strength any more to avoid what is coming. If I had faith in God this probably wouldn’t frighten me so. But my faith died many years ago. What I do believe in is Nature and its infinite beauty. It’s this Force that I call on now as my trial awaits me.
I feel like Katniss Everdeen in the Hunger Games with her bow and arrows strapped to her back waiting to jump into the fray. . . I will survive this.
I awoke one morning a week and a half ago and I felt tired. I was tired of mourning the loss of my last relationship, tired of feeling bad about myself and tired of writing self-indulgent poetry.
So I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and joined an online dating site. Mostly, I did this because I wanted to feel desirable again. My self-esteem was in the crapper and it needed a boost.
Online dating is not something I had ever done before. I had no idea how to go about it. Luckily I had a coach in my friend Linda who knew all the ins and outs of how to proceed. I had watched and listened to her adventures in the past year and was in awe of her courage. She was the reason I was able to take the steps to do this at all.
I put my profile up and within the first 24 hours I had 70 views of my profile and about 20 contacts. It was a bit overwhelming. It was pretty easy to tell right away who was serious and who was a serial dater. Some of the interest was obviously scammers and some obviously hadn’t read anything in my profile or they wouldn’t have contacted me at all. I even had one dude email me with anger because I was looking for someone who was into health and wellness!
By morning three I was seriously thinking of closing my profile down as this really wasn’t for me. I took one last look at who had contacted me and lo and behold a guy who wrote in complete sentences (and paragraphs!) reached out to me. He obviously had read my profile all the way through and was thoughtful in his words to me. I was intrigued . . .
So, tonight, after many conversations we will be meeting for the first time. I am both terrified and excited. My anxiety has hit the roof and I have grief coursing through my veins. Mostly, though, I am proud of me for taking this forward step.
No matter how tonight turns out I know I am brave and that is all that really matters.