It’s been a rough week. I’m back visiting and working in the Twin Cities where I have lived much of the past 35 years. When I am in Ashland, where I currently live, I can pretty well stay focused on the here and now. But when I come back to the place where so much has happened in my life grief is triggered.
During a recent yoga & soul art workshop Guidance came through my painting and said loud and clear that the grief I have been holding so dear is really fear. It took me a couple of days to understand that on more than an intellectual level. I really heard the message and wanted to honor the wisdom within so I made a commitment to let my grief go. I ended up with a migraine for two days following that decision. I had no idea that the grief I had been carrying was so toxic.
The more I let go the more I realize that my grief is keeping me connected to a relationship that is long gone. Laying in wait for me under all that grief was a deep loneliness. Now that I am face to face with that loneliness the trick is to not run. In the past I would distract myself with social media or binge watching my favorite shows or my particular favorite, eating my self into oblivion.
What I’ve never done before is look loneliness straight in the eye and ask for its wisdom. I am afraid it will consume me if I stand and face it. Yet, running is no longer an option. I don’t have the strength any more to avoid what is coming. If I had faith in God this probably wouldn’t frighten me so. But my faith died many years ago. What I do believe in is Nature and its infinite beauty. It’s this Force that I call on now as my trial awaits me.
I feel like Katniss Everdeen in the Hunger Games with her bow and arrows strapped to her back waiting to jump into the fray. . . I will survive this.
I awoke one morning a week and a half ago and I felt tired. I was tired of mourning the loss of my last relationship, tired of feeling bad about myself and tired of writing self-indulgent poetry.
So I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and joined an online dating site. Mostly, I did this because I wanted to feel desirable again. My self-esteem was in the crapper and it needed a boost.
Online dating is not something I had ever done before. I had no idea how to go about it. Luckily I had a coach in my friend Linda who knew all the ins and outs of how to proceed. I had watched and listened to her adventures in the past year and was in awe of her courage. She was the reason I was able to take the steps to do this at all.
I put my profile up and within the first 24 hours I had 70 views of my profile and about 20 contacts. It was a bit overwhelming. It was pretty easy to tell right away who was serious and who was a serial dater. Some of the interest was obviously scammers and some obviously hadn’t read anything in my profile or they wouldn’t have contacted me at all. I even had one dude email me with anger because I was looking for someone who was into health and wellness!
By morning three I was seriously thinking of closing my profile down as this really wasn’t for me. I took one last look at who had contacted me and lo and behold a guy who wrote in complete sentences (and paragraphs!) reached out to me. He obviously had read my profile all the way through and was thoughtful in his words to me. I was intrigued . . .
So, tonight, after many conversations we will be meeting for the first time. I am both terrified and excited. My anxiety has hit the roof and I have grief coursing through my veins. Mostly, though, I am proud of me for taking this forward step.
No matter how tonight turns out I know I am brave and that is all that really matters.