When It Hurts To Breathe

every breath hurtsHave you ever had so much grief it was hard to breathe?  That’s what it feels like in my life right now.  I am still grieving the loss of a relationship that ended months ago.  I have had relationships end before but not like this.  There is no hating, no anger, no cheating, nothing.  Just the end.

It’s not quite that black and white.  There were things that did lead up to here. We still communicate and even see each other once in a while.  But it’s not like it was before.  The connection is gone.  Some vital artery has been severed and the ones that are left are not enough to pump life back into this once beating heart.

I know this grief goes deeper than the end of a romance.  I feel I am truly grieving everything I have ever lost right now.  This may sound strange but 10 days ago I started an elimination diet with daily lymphatic brushing.  I have been deeply detoxing body, mind and soul.  It has been an intense 10 days with the loss of our beloved Prince, PMS, Peri-menopause, my son leaving for the peace corp soon, people I love in crisis, career changes, and the grief goes on . . .

When I step back from my emotions and just observe them for a moment I can see how this experience is healing me.  When a person feels everything so intensely that can be difficult to do.  The stepping back that is.

I believe emotions can get stuck in the body if not dealt with.  Over the past 18 months I have gained 20 pounds and a whole lot of cellulite.  My Guidance tells me that much of that is unprocessed emotions.  Now that I am losing the weight and the cellulite the grief is coming up from where I had buried it.  My joints, my fat cells, my organs are all releasing the past.

Astrologically there are 5 planets in retrograde happening now.  When one planet is in retrograde it can be tough.  When there are 5 . . . well that hasn’t occurred in a decade.  I think of planetary  retrogrades as opportunities to go backwards in time and look at what may be hidden deep in the cells of my being.  This process isn’t fun yet it is purposeful.  If I am hiding from myself then I can never truly experience love.

That is what I want.  Love of self, love of another, and to love all beings deeply.  So that is why I do this.  Not because I like pain, because I really don’t.  But because I want love.  Real.  Unconditional.  Love.  And, that is what I will receive.

And, so it is.

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Painting & Poetry

To be completely honest, its been rough lately.  I have gotten to another layer of grief around the ending of my romantic relationship.  We were in the denial stage for the past few weeks and tried on the “lets stay friends” roles.  Nothing changed.  Of course, it didn’t.  We needed these past few weeks to realize that just because two people love and even like each other it doesn’t mean they are meant to be together.  That is what is so hard about this ending.  Neither one of us are assholes.  It would be so much easier if we were.  This has been the hardest ending I’ve ever had because of that reason.  There is nothing to be angry at him for.  I mean, I could find things if I really wanted to, and I have tried, but its not very honest in the long run.

I was talking to a friend last night and telling her how lost I am now.  I’ve always known who I wanted to be when I grow up.  The past 20 some years I’ve even lived some of that dream.  Now, I just don’t know. . . So, today, I did what I do when I just don’t know.  I wrote a poem and I painted.  The poem came from a place of deep sorrow and I wanted the painting to reflect the same.  That’s the beautiful thing about painting.  It becomes its own thing.  Painting comes from the heart and soul and knows more than the mind.  The wisdom of the painting tells me from deep grief a new life is formed, if we choose it.  I hope to have the courage to do so.



The QuickeningThe Keening

keening on the wind.
Grief in my heart.
Held in.
curled tight.