The Crucible: A Poem

kintsugi+heartthis is a
cautionary tale
of love and loss

it goes like this . . .

my love was a gift
that was cast aside

by one
who didn’t want it or
need it

I wrote the play
that he starred in

he played his part
quite well
for a little while

until the role
no longer fit

I could have seen this early on
if only I was looking
in all the right places

I only saw
what I wanted
to see. . .

his actions spoke louder
than words
but I could only hear
the words

I clung to the words
and let
the actions
slip through

the cracks
in my heart

that were there
long

before
we
ever met

our time together
was both
a gift
and a crucible

I see how I set the show
in motion and how I rushed
it along to the end.

I no longer write
stories for
lovers I’ve never met

yet my eyes are
wide open
and even my
heart
is
too

I can thank
him for that

all good things . . .

Taking The Bull By The Horns

bull
Pastel by Della

I awoke one morning a week and a half ago and I felt tired.  I was tired of mourning the loss of my last relationship, tired of feeling bad about myself and tired of writing self-indulgent poetry.

So I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and joined an online dating site.  Mostly, I did this because I wanted to feel desirable again.    My self-esteem was in the crapper and it needed a boost.

Online dating is not something I had ever done before.  I had no idea how to go about it.  Luckily I had a coach in my friend Linda who knew all the ins and outs of how to proceed.  I had watched and listened to her adventures in the past year and was in awe of her courage.  She was the reason I was able to take the steps to do this at all.

I put my profile up and within the first 24 hours I had 70 views of my profile and about 20 contacts.  It was a bit overwhelming.  It was pretty easy to tell right away who was serious and who was a serial dater.  Some of the interest was obviously scammers and some obviously hadn’t read anything in my profile or they wouldn’t have contacted me at all.  I even had one dude email me with anger because I was looking for someone who was into health and wellness!

By morning three I was seriously thinking of closing my profile down as this really wasn’t for me.  I took one last look at who had contacted me and lo and behold a guy who wrote in complete sentences (and paragraphs!) reached out to me.  He obviously had read my profile all the way through and was thoughtful in his words to me.  I was intrigued . . .

So, tonight, after many conversations we will be meeting for the first time.  I am both terrified and excited.  My anxiety has hit the roof and I have grief coursing through my veins.  Mostly, though, I am proud of me for taking this forward step.

No matter how tonight turns out I know I am brave and that is all that really matters.

Find out more about Della here.

Is Your Inner Child In Charge of Your Relationship?

babycryingMine sure has been.  She has picked every single man I have dated in the past 25 years.  Now these have not been bad men.  They have all been beautiful.  My inner child can see an awesome playmate a mile away.  She is drawn to innocence, gentleness, humor and fun.  Every one of these relationships was incredible in their own way.  That is, until my adult showed up.  That is usually the point where the relationship would dissolve and the tantrums (mine) would begin.

While talking to a friend, I was sharing my struggles with letting go of my last  boyfriend.  We had recently broke up and I couldn’t seem to let him go.  My friend playfully pointed out that I was acting like a brat.  He said this with love but what I heard was that I was acting like a child.  He said you want this man and only him and it can’t be any other way.  And it was absolutely true.  He reminded me of what my adult wanted, a helpmate.  My inner child was willing to compromise what the grownup me wanted to get back together with this man.  The internal struggle would always look something like this.

“But I love him so much!”

“Yes, but he’s not for you.”

“But I know he loves me.”

“He’s not available,” says my adult self.  “You want someone who will return your calls, tell you he loves you first, build a life together, step up to the plate. . .”

“But, but, but . . . ”

Through the help of this friend I was able to see how my inner child has been in charge of my romantic relationships and keeping me in pain.

Parenting Your Inner Child

Once I became aware of my pattern of behavior I imagined myself holding my inner 2-year-old in my arms.  I told her that she had to let this man go.  I told her I understood how much she wanted and liked this person but he was not the right man for us now.  I told her I wanted her help in the future because I wasn’t always able to see like she could see.  I told her, with her help, the adult me would decide how to proceed with any future romance.  As I imagined holding my inner child I cried like I hadn’t cried before.  I cried like a parent whose child is hurting and you’re hurting because they are.  I cried cleansing tears.  I cried tears of love and acceptance that things were exactly as they were meant to be.

This was my first real step in moving forward.  It took awhile to get there.  Acknowledging my inner child was the key.

You can find out more about Della and who she is here.

Claim Your Inner Child Workshop

Finding Love The Old Fashioned Way

nature-heart-love-storm-Favim.com-509774

I met him in a coffee shop last summer.  I wasn’t looking for romance.  I was looking for free internet.  I asked to sit down beside him because the spot was in the sun.  The fact that he was male didn’t even register.   He said yes I could sit and didn’t he see me at the library yesterday?  Yes, that’s right.  I did see you at the library.  I didn’t tell him that I thought he was a bit stalkerish when I saw him there because of the way he kept staring at me.  I had ignored him at the library.

We chatted for an hour in the coffee shop.  As I got up to leave I handed him my business card.  I asked him to go to my website and if what I did for a living didn’t scare him off he should give me a call.  He called me later that day.  We went for a walk.  He wanted to hold my hand.  I was skittish as I had just gotten out of a very heavy relationship a few months before.  I was pretty much done with men at this point in my life.  He said he wanted to feel my energy.  As a psychic this made sense to me so I agreed to hold hands.  He has never said anything remotely like this since.  He doesn’t talk that way.  He wasn’t playing a game when he said those words it was more akin to Kismet.

We began seeing each other almost every day.  We would go for walks and I would let him hold my hand but I was holding myself back.  After my last relationship I told myself that I was content to focus on my life and my work.  My child was grown and I have never been married and didn’t have a burning desire to ever be.  The man I had been in an on again off again relationship for 15 years prior ended once and for all earlier that spring.  I was truly done.  I was exhausted by how hard relationships were and fairly disillusioned as well.

And then he kissed me.  It wasn’t just a nice kiss.  It was an Oh. My. God. kinda kiss!  The kind of kiss that awakens all your senses and pushes any doubts about romance right out the door kinda kiss.  We’ve been together 9 1/2 months now and I’ve never been in a more relaxed relationship.  It’s easy.  Yes, we’ve had some issues but we keep talking through them.  We’ve never raised our voices nor said an unkind word to one another.  I think its because we accept one another exactly as we are.  There are no judgements or criticisms on either side.  This acceptance makes all the difference.

I am an emotional being by nature.  I am joyous one moment and weepy the next.  I am often going through emotional, spiritual, mental  or physical upheaval.  Often all in the same day.  I liken our relationship to a boat being battered by the storms of life on a vast sea.  I am the boat.  He is my anchor.  Never steering me nor holding me back yet keeping me from getting too far adrift.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship but one found me.  I do not know for sure what the future holds.  We do talk about future possibilities but really we just take each moment as it comes.  I have my insecurities from time to time but I recognize those as my own fears.  I don’t let them take over or project them onto him.  I can only say that particular skill comes with age.  This is also where my yoga practice comes in.  It reminds me to breathe.  When I breathe I can be present.  Love dwells in the present moment. . .