Is Your Inner Child In Charge of Your Relationship?

babycryingMine sure has been.  She has picked every single man I have dated in the past 25 years.  Now these have not been bad men.  They have all been beautiful.  My inner child can see an awesome playmate a mile away.  She is drawn to innocence, gentleness, humor and fun.  Every one of these relationships was incredible in their own way.  That is, until my adult showed up.  That is usually the point where the relationship would dissolve and the tantrums (mine) would begin.

While talking to a friend, I was sharing my struggles with letting go of my last  boyfriend.  We had recently broke up and I couldn’t seem to let him go.  My friend playfully pointed out that I was acting like a brat.  He said this with love but what I heard was that I was acting like a child.  He said you want this man and only him and it can’t be any other way.  And it was absolutely true.  He reminded me of what my adult wanted, a helpmate.  My inner child was willing to compromise what the grownup me wanted to get back together with this man.  The internal struggle would always look something like this.

“But I love him so much!”

“Yes, but he’s not for you.”

“But I know he loves me.”

“He’s not available,” says my adult self.  “You want someone who will return your calls, tell you he loves you first, build a life together, step up to the plate. . .”

“But, but, but . . . ”

Through the help of this friend I was able to see how my inner child has been in charge of my romantic relationships and keeping me in pain.

Parenting Your Inner Child

Once I became aware of my pattern of behavior I imagined myself holding my inner 2-year-old in my arms.  I told her that she had to let this man go.  I told her I understood how much she wanted and liked this person but he was not the right man for us now.  I told her I wanted her help in the future because I wasn’t always able to see like she could see.  I told her, with her help, the adult me would decide how to proceed with any future romance.  As I imagined holding my inner child I cried like I hadn’t cried before.  I cried like a parent whose child is hurting and you’re hurting because they are.  I cried cleansing tears.  I cried tears of love and acceptance that things were exactly as they were meant to be.

This was my first real step in moving forward.  It took awhile to get there.  Acknowledging my inner child was the key.

You can find out more about Della and who she is here.

Claim Your Inner Child Workshop

Finding Love The Old Fashioned Way

This post showed up in my Facebook memories today. I wrote this 1 year ago about how I met my boyfriend. It made me cry as this relationship is now over. I am grateful that I had such a beautiful experience yet I keep painfully struggling with the loss of this love.

I know that true love can never be lost. That the grief I am feeling isn’t from the loss of love but from the loss of Self. The pain is from the story I keep writing about this breakup. This story includes, abandonment, rejection, unavailability, and obsession. This story was written long before I even met this man. Every day I am looking at my pain and seeing my story. Every day I have to choose love time and time again. Love of him, love of the experience but mostly love of Self. The gift here is that I am seeing patterns that have long been part of all of my relationships with men and even some women. This has been hard. I know I have the courage to see it through even on the days where I seem to fail myself. I no longer want to take this story into any future relationships. My true love is me.

Della McGee

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I met him in a coffee shop last summer.  I wasn’t looking for romance.  I was looking for free internet.  I asked to sit down beside him because the spot was in the sun.  The fact that he was male didn’t even register.   He said yes I could sit and didn’t he see me at the library yesterday?  Yes, that’s right.  I did see you at the library.  I didn’t tell him that I thought he was a bit stalkerish when I saw him there because of the way he kept staring at me.  I had ignored him at the library.

We chatted for an hour in the coffee shop.  As I got up to leave I handed him my business card.  I asked him to go to my website and if what I did for a living didn’t scare him off he should give me a call.  He called…

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When It Hurts To Breathe

every breath hurtsHave you ever had so much grief it was hard to breathe?  That’s what it feels like in my life right now.  I am still grieving the loss of a relationship that ended months ago.  I have had relationships end before but not like this.  There is no hating, no anger, no cheating, nothing.  Just the end.

It’s not quite that black and white.  There were things that did lead up to here. We still communicate and even see each other once in a while.  But it’s not like it was before.  The connection is gone.  Some vital artery has been severed and the ones that are left are not enough to pump life back into this once beating heart.

I know this grief goes deeper than the end of a romance.  I feel I am truly grieving everything I have ever lost right now.  This may sound strange but 10 days ago I started an elimination diet with daily lymphatic brushing.  I have been deeply detoxing body, mind and soul.  It has been an intense 10 days with the loss of our beloved Prince, PMS, Peri-menopause, my son leaving for the peace corp soon, people I love in crisis, career changes, and the grief goes on . . .

When I step back from my emotions and just observe them for a moment I can see how this experience is healing me.  When a person feels everything so intensely that can be difficult to do.  The stepping back that is.

I believe emotions can get stuck in the body if not dealt with.  Over the past 18 months I have gained 20 pounds and a whole lot of cellulite.  My Guidance tells me that much of that is unprocessed emotions.  Now that I am losing the weight and the cellulite the grief is coming up from where I had buried it.  My joints, my fat cells, my organs are all releasing the past.

Astrologically there are 5 planets in retrograde happening now.  When one planet is in retrograde it can be tough.  When there are 5 . . . well that hasn’t occurred in a decade.  I think of planetary  retrogrades as opportunities to go backwards in time and look at what may be hidden deep in the cells of my being.  This process isn’t fun yet it is purposeful.  If I am hiding from myself then I can never truly experience love.

That is what I want.  Love of self, love of another, and to love all beings deeply.  So that is why I do this.  Not because I like pain, because I really don’t.  But because I want love.  Real.  Unconditional.  Love.  And, that is what I will receive.

And, so it is.

Della’s website and services.

Practicing Mastery

Hot-new-hand-painted-on-canvas-font-b-Musical-b-font-Instruments-oil-paintings-Susanne-ClarkWhile meditating this morning I pondered what it takes to be a better human.  We are all born Masters yet we rarely recognize this about ourselves.  So often the not good enough program gets the most air play.  We strive to be better not because we know we are perfect but because we think we are somehow flawed.  Reacting out of the not good enough program keeps the very thing we are trying to achieve (perfection) out of our awareness.  As long as we think we are flawed we will never see that which we already are.  Perfect.

A master musician does not arrive in this life knowing they are a master.  The first time they picked up their instrument, in all likelihood, a cacophony of noise emerged.  Over many hours and years of practice, they became more adept, and eventually, the music flowed.  Once a musician becomes a master they do not stop practicing.  Being a master musician doesn’t mean there isn’t more to learn and ways to grow their musical talent.  The same is with being human.

We are born perfect.  It can take a lifetime to remember our perfection.  We have to practice being masters, and then we need to practice staying masters.  If we can begin to look at our selves from this perspective and not that we need to fix something about ourselves we can change the collective program of not being good enough.  We can practice being better humans from a place of perfection.

This Too Shall Pass

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I first heard this phrase over 25 years ago in an A.A. meeting.  Since then I have used it many times to remind myself that everything that I may be troubled by is only temporary.

I recently experienced a couple of very dark days.  So dark I had a hard time getting out of bed.  So dark I imagined leaving this world all together.  What kept me going was the knowing that this too shall pass.  I’ve had many opportunities over the years to know that this is true.  Each dark night I’ve traveled through has always lead to a sunrise.

I know enough now to sit back and observe my thoughts instead of taking action on them.  Thoughts are information and my thoughts this time around where showing me how my beliefs about myself were taking root and causing pain.  My external circumstances where reminding me that I was placing my value in my work, my finances, my relationships and my looks.  When these things appeared to fail at the same time I knew that opportunity disguised as pain was afoot.

This doesn’t mean that I wasn’t terrified, hurting, confused and angry.  What it does mean is that I was able to see my thoughts as a movie.  I was emotionally involved in the movie but I knew it was just a movie and that it would eventually come to its conclusion.  Why did I stay in the theater for the whole show?  Because I knew if I didn’t I could miss something important and I would have to come back and see it again.

What I came away with once the sun began to shine again is this:  I decide my value, not my job, my relationships, my looks or how much money I have or don’t.  I am valuable because I exist.  That’s it.  There is no other reason than that.  I am glad I exist.  I am glad you do to.

Please visit my website to learn more about me.

A New Path Emerges out of Transformation Addiction

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Painting by Katelyn Mariah

I have recently given up my addiction to transformation.  This post is from my friend Katelyn Mariah.  We have been on a similar journey these past few years.   Different paths that have led to the same destination, self-love.   Click on the link below to read her blog and see if you can resonate as well.

Katelyn’s blog:   A New Path Emerges out of Transformation Addiction

Della’s Website

How Brokenness Is Beautiful

kintsugi+heartKintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with gold or silver dust.  “As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, and not something to disguise.”  In our society we see something broken as unwanted or unlovable.  To me, the broken bits are the most interesting.

When we are broken we become unmade from the structures that formed us.  If those structures still worked we wouldn’t need to be broken open in the first place.  Pain and heartbreak are the gold and glue that creates something even more beautiful than what came before.

In the shattered heart lay our opportunities.  In our brokenness lay our possibilities.  In the beginning we aren’t often able to see this pure potentiality through the pain.  We need time and space and permission.  We need permission to live in the pain.  We humans tend to want to bypass the pain.  Let’s hurry up and move on.  In my experience, unless I am present with the pain there is no moving on.  I may think I have but the unresolved stuff will sneak up in the least likely moments and make itself known.

I have recently been through another journey of brokenness and have refashioned something extraordinary out of that pain.  At the time, I did not see how I could.  I’ve been through enough of these dark nights to know that the light always comes.  I didn’t know how but I did know that it would . . . and it did.

I invite you to see the beautiful in the broken bits of yourself.  Therein lies your magnificence.

Della is a healer, artist, writer, psychic and yogi.  Please visit her website here.

What Are You Worth?

5d6d05dc3f67c6bfb6931b5b9b644d3aI’ve thought a lot about this lately as I’ve stepped off the scale and begun to see my self with more compassion.  I’m not exactly sure where I learned that my worth is what I weigh, how much I carry out in a day or how much money I have or don’t have in my bank account.  I know that some of these messages I learned in childhood and others constantly bombard us on billboards, magazines, television, etc.

I’ve turned my focus these days to what I have instead of what I don’t.  In thinking about wealth I realize I am abundant in relationships, freedom, time, creativity, health & wellness, etc.  I don’t always recognize these things because my focus is often on money being the descriptor of abundance.  Being self-employed and being a follower of the law of attraction is often tricky at times.  The law of attraction teaches that what you focus on you create.  It is easy to see what I am not creating in my life and then thinking there is something wrong with me or, that I’m not”doing it” right, or that I’m not being spiritual enough.  I call bullsh@#t on that!

Today I am deciding that I have enough.  I do enough.  I am enough.  And, that is enough.

Della is a psychic healer, yoga teacher and soul artist.  You can find out more about her services here.

I Am NOT The Number On The Scale

weight-this-is-not-your-worthIt happened again.  I plunged myself deep into the cycle of not feeling good in my own skin.  I had not stepped on a scale since some time in February and I was feeling really fit and strong and beautiful.  A couple of weeks ago as I was visiting my mother in the nursing home she resides in I stepped on a scale that is outside of her room.  The number on the scale said I weighed more than I have since I was pregnant with my son 22 years ago.

I went from feeling fabulous in my body to feeling fat and bloated and unattractive.  It had been several weeks and I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of the negative self talk.  I know this is not who I am nor who I want to be but I couldn’t seem to shift this negativity.  While talking to my friend Katelyn about this issue I expressed confusion about why I could feel so good about myself and then, just like that, not.  She helped me to see that stepping on the scale was my trigger.

We are socialized to believe that we are our weight.  A certain number on the scale determines whether we are 5 or 10 or 50 pounds away from being acceptable, attractive and worthy.

I made a decision:  I would not step on a scale again for the next 40 days.  Why 40 days?  It takes that long to break out of a cycle and create a new one.  I would also change my mind about how I felt about myself.  If I could feel good about myself before I stepped on the scale then I could feel good about myself by not stepping on the scale.  I just needed to decide too.

It’s been a couple of days into my 40 day commitment and I am finding a shift has already occurred.  If I see myself looking at my self negatively when I pass a mirror I tell myself:   Enough!  I’ve noticed this enough attitude spilling into other areas of my life as well. I’ve been aware of how body shaming leads to lack of finances shaming, or not doing enough in a day shaming, etc.

This enough statement stops the negative self talk in its tracks and reminds me that I am enough.  We’ll see how the rest of the 40 days goes.  Ultimately, my goal is to not step on a scale again.   Why would I do that to myself?

Della is a healer, a yogi, an experimental cook and an artist.  Please visit her website here.

A Beautiful Woman

il_340x270.589278134_sbufOften, while giving an intuitive reading for someone a message will come through that is meant for more than just the client.  The message that came through this day was meant for every woman on the planet.  The Goddess came through and this is what she said:

Every time you say something negative about another woman you are saying that same thing about yourself.  Every time you say something negative about another woman it affects every woman on the planet.  Every negative thought about your self affects every woman every where.

In today’s society, we are programmed to believe that we are not good enough.  Our standard of beauty is skewed by the corporations who want our money.  Unfortunately, marketing campaigns set up this unrealistic standard and then hones in on that which makes us less than the ideal.  A very clever ruse to keep us purchasing products and enslaved in negativity.

In recent months I have seen a change.  Yet, there is a long way to go.  Aerie (lingerie company) is using real women’s bodies in their Instagram campaign.  More and more celebrities are eschewing being photo shopped.  A revolution is beginning and women are at the forefront.  It is only we who can change the mindset of the masses about what beauty is.  It begins by changing our own minds first.  Loving ourselves is a process, an unfolding, and a knowing that we are more than what others think of us.

When you look in the mirror what do you say to yourself?  Can you begin to see what is beautiful about you instead of what you think of as flawed?  This has been my process of discovery too.  I, like so many women, have had to de-program myself and I am not yet completely free.  I use that word very intentionally.  The word program means:  to cause to absorb or incorporate so as to produce a specific response or reaction. 

We have bought into the program hook, line and sinker.  Only we can pull ourselves out of the depths of self-loathing that is our common thinking.  How do we do this?  By practicing self-love.  Easier said than done, I know.  That is why I use the word practice.  This is not something you do once or twice and you magically love and accept yourself.  This is a daily commitment to you.

This change can be hard as we are barraged by negative messages on an ongoing basis.  We hear these messages from our movies, our magazines, our men and even other women.  We need to stand strong if we are going to change our world.  We need to start recognizing our original and unique beauty.  Only we can define that for ourselves.  And, once we do, we need to show it to the world with pride in our sense of self.  We teach people how to define us.  From this moment forth write a new definition of who you are and fall in love with your beautiful self.

Della is a healer, teacher, an artist and a yogi.  You can find out more about her and her services here.

I am teaching a workshop on Oct. 2nd on Learning To Love Your Body.  Click here to find out more and register for the workshop.